On November 20th, 2016 at 4pm outside Maude's Cafe, the Known Center of the Universe, I embarked on a marathon listening session of every studio album made by The Eagles to determine once and for all whether the Eagles suck or don't suck. Having completed the marathon in 40 degree weather under the proper influence of three bottles of Chilean wine, a space cake, 40 cigarettes, and two bottles of *72 beer, I can now say with complete certainty whether or not The Eagles suck or not. Understand, that by doing this, I intend to bring people together and free them from the burden of having to have a strong opinion on this important American matter. Before we can get to dealing with nuclear war, global warming, and Hamilton the Musical, this issue simply had to be decided for all America and parts of Canada. November 20th is coincidentally National Absurdity Day, and being the only human on the face of the Earth who has actually listened now to every single Eagles song from their studio albums in one sitting (I know this is true because I Googled it and can find no evidence any other living human being has successfully achieved this goal), I have complete authority to make the decision for all of us in the fairest manner possible.
Click HERE for the original press release that explains the event!
Know that this decision is final, solves the issue for all time, and removes any obligation on your part to render your own decision. This decision is the one that will now stand for all eternity, and you no longer need to decide anything whatsoever to do with The Eagles ever again. Please move on to Nuclear War, Global Warming, and Hamilton, the Musical.
THE EAGLES DO NOT SUCK.
The Eagles almost sucked. The vote came down to seven songs. The tally was: of 79 songs, 36 Sucks, and 43 Doesn't Sucks. The album that really hurt the most was The Long Road Out of Eden (2007), CD #1. The entire CD #1 sucked, every song was sappy phony bullshit. However, at the beginning of The Long Road Out of Eden (2007), CD #2, Long Road Out of Eden - a 10 minute anthem - was one of the best songs in the entire discography. Other points of note: Tequila Sunrise drew spontaneous applause from the attendees of the event, Bitter Creek was the best overall song. During Wasted Time (reprise), I was afflicted with spontaneous diarrhea. The song that made me the angriest was James Dean - a huge piece of shit of a song. James Dean would have died listening to it. Only Meatloaf could have ever made such a song work. Teenage Jail sucked. I Can't Tell You Why was fantastic.
SUMARY: Competent musicians, best-sellers throughout the 70s, best 70s mustaches, their classics hold up, some songs were surprisingly good, but when they suck, they suck hard and ugly. These facts, combined with the final score, rates that The Eagles do not suck. If you still believe they suck you are simply wrong and do not believe in science. If you love The Eagles and have a friend who thinks The Eagles suck, please refer them to this page and free them from the burden of their opinion. I have made it for all of America and parts of Canada, and the matter of The Eagles is now officially concluded.
- TOM MILLER
I would like to extend much gratitude to those who attended the Eagles Marathon, Maude's Cafe (the Known Center of the Universe), the Reverend Angeldust for his introductory sermon, Michelle LeSure - Service Human, Michael Garvin -- Minister of the Interior of the Tabernacle of History, Robert Young for curating the Eagles music and preparing the Suck Charts, Joel and Ethan Coen, and may the Eagles be great again. Fly high and holy.
-See Scoring Charts Below-