_ Project r tells me to stop writing as Wacky Macky for a moment and rest. I am at Maude’s Café in Gainesville, Florida, the known center of the universe. Empty Old Milwaukee beer cans and an ashtray full of dead soldiers litter the table. I am tired. When I get home, the electricity will be off. I haven’t paid the rent in a month. There are matters that need attending to. r will write Wacky Macky’s blog in my place.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I GOT SOME FAG RULES!
Hey asshole!
We got to get a few things straight, and by straight, I mean not fag.
There’s right and there’s wrong. If yer not right, yer wrong. That there is some Wacky Macky wisdom, and it don’t belong in a man’s butt. Nothing should go in there unless it’s handled by a doctor who ain’t queer, or yer wife.
So I got some fag rules to live by, just so the homos don’t have to wonder why they’re God’s mistakes.
#1. I can get with two women and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. But two men on one woman, there’s libel to be something touching that don’t belong together. Two snakes in the grass never did nothing but fight it out. That’s number one.
#2. Old men looking at teen boys. That’s wrong, and it’s wrong all together. You go right to Hell with that kind of lookin’. That’s what soured me on that Naked Lunch book.
It was purty good, otherwise. Now if’n a man’s straight, and you know old Wacky Macky only sleeps with them that gots cooters and boobs, then he got every right to look at a young purty girl age of 12 and up, so long as he don’t touch one till they’re legal. And in MY trailer, that’s when they got fuzz on the tangerine. Nothing wrong with that. That’s healthy nature right there.
#3. If a man teacher or minister is trying to get with a teen boy in a class or church, he needs to first be shot before he’s electrocuted, gassed, and beat up. Now if it’s a teen boy being fondled by a woman teacher or nun, nothing wrong there at all. That’s how learning gets done. I wish I were half them boys getting picked up by them hot blond sugar mamas. That’s how I learnt me about the birds and the bugs. God put them hot blond sugar mama teachers and nuns down here to teach us men right so we have healthy babies. Everybody knows that.
#4. Nothing in the poop shoot that’s between men. Covered that in number one.
#5. Don’t be looking at my pecker in the restroom unless you’re a lady teacher or a nun. If you don’t have two melons and a snatch-patch, keep yer eyes on yorn and yorn alone. I can’t pee when a man’s looking at my Billy-Bob and when I can’t pee, I get agitated.
#6. I ain’t saying I’m against the queers, I’m just saying they shouldn’ta been born. And if they was born, they need to be living on their own island. They could call it Buttpole Island or Hotdog Island, or whatever the fuck’s goin on with them weird fags. That’s number four in a nutshell.
God damn!
I just shit my pants again.
What the fuck am I eating here?
5:46pm
Tuesday, September 28, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I JUST FOUND OUT CLAY AIKEN’S A FAG!
Hey asshole!
Good Holy Jesus, Mother Mary and Child!
Here I was runnin my mouth about how queers need to have their own special island, and my favorite singer comes out in People Magazine holding his baby, telling all America he’s a poop pusher!
Same Goddamn thing happened to my favorite singer, Liberace, and then again to my favorite singer, Elton John. And it makes me wonder the logical scientific question: Is it me liking these guys that’s doing it to them? Am I liking them too much?
Well fuck me with a sandpaper baton! If I’m a latent homo, I’m gonna have to re-think this fag deal. I still ain’t gonna put no man’s pecker in my ass and mouth. I don’t care HOW trendy it gets.
How did Clay Aiken make a baby? I bet it was unnatural. I’m thinking it had to be a butt-baby. Unless he had a C-section. I hope he had a C, cause the other way’s making me mouthbarf!
Next they’ll be telling me Michael Jackson’s a queer too. Please, God! Don’t make Michael Jackson a queer.
7:07pm
Saturday, September 27, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! IT’S WACKY MACKY’S FINE DINING RECIPES!
Hey asshole!
Just got done watching the debate between Barrack Hussein Obama and my man, McCain. I think McCain stomped him good. Hussein looked like a raccoon stuck in the headlights-- a black raccoon. Which brings me to fine dining.
See, I’m country. I’m all about a good dinner. And I know how to make it, too, because I learnt a long time ago-- you gotta cook stuff to kill bacteria or you’ll get the stinging runs for about a week or so. Believe me, that’ll really start to stink up the bed after awhile.
So here’s some recipes right outta Wacky Macky’s kitchen you can try in YOUR trailer.
POSSUM:
Get a possum off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it’s smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa Sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good!
RACOON:
Get a racoon off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it’s smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa Sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good!
SKUNK:
Get a skunk off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it’s smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa Sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good! Save the stink sack for the end. That there’s what they call a delicacy.
SQUIRREL:
Get a possum off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it’s smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa Sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good! Not much meat on ‘em, but who gives a rat’s ass.
RAT:
Get a rat off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it’s smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa Sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good! Eat the ass last. Makes for a funny time at the table. “Look, dumbass, I ate ratbutt!!!” Fucking hilarious. Not much meat on ‘em, but who gives a shit.
POOP:
You can cook yer own poop in a pinch. If a nukalar bomb went off and you were lucky enough to survive, and all the other animals are dead but fer you, there’s not much else to eat except yer poop. You could eat yer arms, but then how are you gonna get your poop? But you can’t just eat it outta yer own asshole. How are you gonna bend down there to get at it? If you could do that, why wouldn’t you? Nope. You gotta scoop it outta there with your hands and put it in a hot pan with some lard, a little salt and pepper-- believe me, it’ll fill you up real good. Always has, always will. Better get ready to use my poop recipe because if Obama Hussein gets in there, NUKALAR WAR! And then, you gotta eat yer poop.
I may vote the Nader ticket.
4:02pm
Monday, September 29, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! SOMETHING’S GOING ON WITH MY MOUTH!
Hey asshole!
I was rooting around in my mouth this morning and there’s a tooth growing from the center of my mouth roof, right in the middle there. What the fuck is that? I don’t think a tooth is supposed to go there.
Now I’m wondering if I need to pull it outta there with the pliers, or will it make it easier to chew and so I keep it? This here problem is gonna have me working on it all day.
I’ll let you know if I pull it out or not, asshole!
p.s. I got my laundry done and then the dog pissed on it. Now I gotta do it all over again.
I shot the dog.
8:58pm
Thursday, September 30, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I WRECKED MY MOUTH!
Hey asshole!
Remember when I was telling you about the tooth growing out of the center of my mouth roof? Well, I got good and drunk on Wild Turkey so’s I wouldn’t get infected, and to try and kill all the pain I was going to make for myself.
Then, I got some pointy pliers to yank out that tooth that weren’t supposed to grow there. Turns out, it weren’t no tooth. Doctor told me it was a freak thing where my mouth roof (he calls it a, ‘hard palate’) had got to growin through my skin there and I ended up pullin out some of the top of my mouth and a little bit of the insides. Doc said I tore out most of my (‘inferior nasal concha’).
I said, “Doc, if it’s inferior, can’t you put in a better one?”
So I guess that’s what they’re gonna try and do. Anyhow, I got my mouth sowed up and glued. When I talk, blood comes out and I see myself in the mirror and it looks like this horror movie I seen once, and I laugh and more blood comes out, and I can’t stop laughin and bleedin.
So that’s where it’s at, asshole. Check with yer Doc before you go yanking on stuff you don’t know what it is. That’s the learnin I got from this deal.
11:43am
I’m glad Project r took over the writing of Wacky Macky. I woke up this morning and had Boone’s Farm Wine and a Triscuit for breakfast. Project r continues...
Friday, October 3, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I’M SEEIN GIANT GERBILS!
Hey asshole!
Them doctors what fixed up my mouth give me some pills here, and I know that if one pill will do good, more pills are gonna do better. So I ate about half of ‘em just now because my mouth roof was hurtin and bleedin.
Now three hours later, there’s a family of giant talking gerbils here, and we’re gettin along just fine. Them gerbils are goofy, because they move so fast you can’t hardly see ‘em. But they’re here and we’re having a grand old time. I’m not sure what to feed ‘em, but I got some dog food I won’t be needing.
Maybe I’ll give that a try.
12:44pm
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I GOT IT GOOD!
Hey asshole!
I been thinking about my life.
I been thinking how I drink so much and take so much of my smokable back medicine, and eat all them pills.
I been thinking about how I wave my sack and wiener at the old whore down the street.
I been thinking about how I’m probably eating the only Bigfoot ever to be gunned down, and I ain’t telling nobody about it but you, asshole.
I been thinking about how stupid I get sometimes, like when I pulled out the roof of my mouth, and now I’m bleedin.
I been thinkin about this dog carcass, and how it would still fetch a ball if’n I hadn’t a shot it.
I been lookin at these giant squirrels or gerbils or whateverthefucks they are here now that I haven’t slept for three days. I’m drinkin Steel Reserve, and smoking up all of my smokable back medicine. That dog’s startin to smell ripe. Least he don’t shit the house no more, but nothing’s smellin any better.
I ain’t never had no fancy food.
I don’t drive no car.
I live in a trailer in the woods and just talk to this here family of giant gerbils, and pull out my rifle when the Girl Scouts come snoopin around with their cookies and putting Government juice in my water while I’m sleeping. I know what them little bitches are up to. Don’t you worry about that.
And I come to this here conclusion, and it’s a statement of truth. HEY ASSHOLE! I GOT IT GOOD!
Only thing messing up my nice life here is it’s looking like the next President is gonna be black. But there is an upside. It’ll leave Sarah Palin open to do that Hustler Magazine spread I been waitin for. When I get that issue, I’m gonna spooge all over her purty face.
I may shit on her too, if she’s into it.
1:51pm
Sunday, October 19, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! GOT ME A NEW DIET!
Hey asshole!
It’s been awhile since I last poked my keyboard. That’s because for a number of reasons.
#1. My pills they gave me for the pain in my mouth roof ran out. Right when they did, them giant gerbils went away, and now I got nobody to talk to me.
#2. My mouth is sewed shut and I ain’t aten in a good week. That there is my new diet plan for all you fat people. Just pull out yer mouth roof with a pair of pliers, fix it at the hospital where they’ll sew it up for ya. Then you can’t get no food in there because it’s sowed shut. If you un-sow it, you can’t chew cause the food will poke up there in yer mouth. There’s no way, asshole.
#3. Without nothing to eat, I’m thinking I’m probably gonna die soon and that’ll be the end of this here bloggin I been doin.
Yep, ol’ Wacky Macky may be on his way to glory. And by glory, I mean dead. I can see it now-- me dead, rottin away in my trailer next to my damn-near already rotted dog.
He can’t get no ball, and I can’t throw it no more because I’m rotting dead like the dog is. Can you imagine how much this place will smell?
Nobody will come in here to visit for months. I sure miss them gerbils. Maybe the old whore down the way will come up here and bring me something to eat. Just so long as it ain’t her pussy. I hope my mouth roof will heal up soon so I can cut out the metal what’s keeping my mouth clamped up.
Fuck a lot of shit if you ask me.
12:31pm
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I GOT SOME FAG RULES!
Hey asshole!
We got to get a few things straight, and by straight, I mean not fag.
There’s right and there’s wrong. If yer not right, yer wrong. That there is some Wacky Macky wisdom, and it don’t belong in a man’s butt. Nothing should go in there unless it’s handled by a doctor who ain’t queer, or yer wife.
So I got some fag rules to live by, just so the homos don’t have to wonder why they’re God’s mistakes.
#1. I can get with two women and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. But two men on one woman, there’s libel to be something touching that don’t belong together. Two snakes in the grass never did nothing but fight it out. That’s number one.
#2. Old men looking at teen boys. That’s wrong, and it’s wrong all together. You go right to Hell with that kind of lookin’. That’s what soured me on that Naked Lunch book.
It was purty good, otherwise. Now if’n a man’s straight, and you know old Wacky Macky only sleeps with them that gots cooters and boobs, then he got every right to look at a young purty girl age of 12 and up, so long as he don’t touch one till they’re legal. And in MY trailer, that’s when they got fuzz on the tangerine. Nothing wrong with that. That’s healthy nature right there.
#3. If a man teacher or minister is trying to get with a teen boy in a class or church, he needs to first be shot before he’s electrocuted, gassed, and beat up. Now if it’s a teen boy being fondled by a woman teacher or nun, nothing wrong there at all. That’s how learning gets done. I wish I were half them boys getting picked up by them hot blond sugar mamas. That’s how I learnt me about the birds and the bugs. God put them hot blond sugar mama teachers and nuns down here to teach us men right so we have healthy babies. Everybody knows that.
#4. Nothing in the poop shoot that’s between men. Covered that in number one.
#5. Don’t be looking at my pecker in the restroom unless you’re a lady teacher or a nun. If you don’t have two melons and a snatch-patch, keep yer eyes on yorn and yorn alone. I can’t pee when a man’s looking at my Billy-Bob and when I can’t pee, I get agitated.
#6. I ain’t saying I’m against the queers, I’m just saying they shouldn’ta been born. And if they was born, they need to be living on their own island. They could call it Buttpole Island or Hotdog Island, or whatever the fuck’s goin on with them weird fags. That’s number four in a nutshell.
God damn!
I just shit my pants again.
What the fuck am I eating here?
5:46pm
Tuesday, September 28, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I JUST FOUND OUT CLAY AIKEN’S A FAG!
Hey asshole!
Good Holy Jesus, Mother Mary and Child!
Here I was runnin my mouth about how queers need to have their own special island, and my favorite singer comes out in People Magazine holding his baby, telling all America he’s a poop pusher!
Same Goddamn thing happened to my favorite singer, Liberace, and then again to my favorite singer, Elton John. And it makes me wonder the logical scientific question: Is it me liking these guys that’s doing it to them? Am I liking them too much?
Well fuck me with a sandpaper baton! If I’m a latent homo, I’m gonna have to re-think this fag deal. I still ain’t gonna put no man’s pecker in my ass and mouth. I don’t care HOW trendy it gets.
How did Clay Aiken make a baby? I bet it was unnatural. I’m thinking it had to be a butt-baby. Unless he had a C-section. I hope he had a C, cause the other way’s making me mouthbarf!
Next they’ll be telling me Michael Jackson’s a queer too. Please, God! Don’t make Michael Jackson a queer.
7:07pm
Saturday, September 27, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! IT’S WACKY MACKY’S FINE DINING RECIPES!
Hey asshole!
Just got done watching the debate between Barrack Hussein Obama and my man, McCain. I think McCain stomped him good. Hussein looked like a raccoon stuck in the headlights-- a black raccoon. Which brings me to fine dining.
See, I’m country. I’m all about a good dinner. And I know how to make it, too, because I learnt a long time ago-- you gotta cook stuff to kill bacteria or you’ll get the stinging runs for about a week or so. Believe me, that’ll really start to stink up the bed after awhile.
So here’s some recipes right outta Wacky Macky’s kitchen you can try in YOUR trailer.
POSSUM:
Get a possum off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it’s smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa Sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good!
RACOON:
Get a racoon off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it’s smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa Sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good!
SKUNK:
Get a skunk off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it’s smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa Sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good! Save the stink sack for the end. That there’s what they call a delicacy.
SQUIRREL:
Get a possum off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it’s smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa Sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good! Not much meat on ‘em, but who gives a rat’s ass.
RAT:
Get a rat off the road. Put it in a pan with some lard. When it’s smoking, let it cool a little bit and then pick off yer meat and dip it in the Publix Salsa Sauce. Make sure you pull out the hair first. Good! Eat the ass last. Makes for a funny time at the table. “Look, dumbass, I ate ratbutt!!!” Fucking hilarious. Not much meat on ‘em, but who gives a shit.
POOP:
You can cook yer own poop in a pinch. If a nukalar bomb went off and you were lucky enough to survive, and all the other animals are dead but fer you, there’s not much else to eat except yer poop. You could eat yer arms, but then how are you gonna get your poop? But you can’t just eat it outta yer own asshole. How are you gonna bend down there to get at it? If you could do that, why wouldn’t you? Nope. You gotta scoop it outta there with your hands and put it in a hot pan with some lard, a little salt and pepper-- believe me, it’ll fill you up real good. Always has, always will. Better get ready to use my poop recipe because if Obama Hussein gets in there, NUKALAR WAR! And then, you gotta eat yer poop.
I may vote the Nader ticket.
4:02pm
Monday, September 29, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! SOMETHING’S GOING ON WITH MY MOUTH!
Hey asshole!
I was rooting around in my mouth this morning and there’s a tooth growing from the center of my mouth roof, right in the middle there. What the fuck is that? I don’t think a tooth is supposed to go there.
Now I’m wondering if I need to pull it outta there with the pliers, or will it make it easier to chew and so I keep it? This here problem is gonna have me working on it all day.
I’ll let you know if I pull it out or not, asshole!
p.s. I got my laundry done and then the dog pissed on it. Now I gotta do it all over again.
I shot the dog.
8:58pm
Thursday, September 30, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I WRECKED MY MOUTH!
Hey asshole!
Remember when I was telling you about the tooth growing out of the center of my mouth roof? Well, I got good and drunk on Wild Turkey so’s I wouldn’t get infected, and to try and kill all the pain I was going to make for myself.
Then, I got some pointy pliers to yank out that tooth that weren’t supposed to grow there. Turns out, it weren’t no tooth. Doctor told me it was a freak thing where my mouth roof (he calls it a, ‘hard palate’) had got to growin through my skin there and I ended up pullin out some of the top of my mouth and a little bit of the insides. Doc said I tore out most of my (‘inferior nasal concha’).
I said, “Doc, if it’s inferior, can’t you put in a better one?”
So I guess that’s what they’re gonna try and do. Anyhow, I got my mouth sowed up and glued. When I talk, blood comes out and I see myself in the mirror and it looks like this horror movie I seen once, and I laugh and more blood comes out, and I can’t stop laughin and bleedin.
So that’s where it’s at, asshole. Check with yer Doc before you go yanking on stuff you don’t know what it is. That’s the learnin I got from this deal.
11:43am
I’m glad Project r took over the writing of Wacky Macky. I woke up this morning and had Boone’s Farm Wine and a Triscuit for breakfast. Project r continues...
Friday, October 3, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I’M SEEIN GIANT GERBILS!
Hey asshole!
Them doctors what fixed up my mouth give me some pills here, and I know that if one pill will do good, more pills are gonna do better. So I ate about half of ‘em just now because my mouth roof was hurtin and bleedin.
Now three hours later, there’s a family of giant talking gerbils here, and we’re gettin along just fine. Them gerbils are goofy, because they move so fast you can’t hardly see ‘em. But they’re here and we’re having a grand old time. I’m not sure what to feed ‘em, but I got some dog food I won’t be needing.
Maybe I’ll give that a try.
12:44pm
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I GOT IT GOOD!
Hey asshole!
I been thinking about my life.
I been thinking how I drink so much and take so much of my smokable back medicine, and eat all them pills.
I been thinking about how I wave my sack and wiener at the old whore down the street.
I been thinking about how I’m probably eating the only Bigfoot ever to be gunned down, and I ain’t telling nobody about it but you, asshole.
I been thinking about how stupid I get sometimes, like when I pulled out the roof of my mouth, and now I’m bleedin.
I been thinkin about this dog carcass, and how it would still fetch a ball if’n I hadn’t a shot it.
I been lookin at these giant squirrels or gerbils or whateverthefucks they are here now that I haven’t slept for three days. I’m drinkin Steel Reserve, and smoking up all of my smokable back medicine. That dog’s startin to smell ripe. Least he don’t shit the house no more, but nothing’s smellin any better.
I ain’t never had no fancy food.
I don’t drive no car.
I live in a trailer in the woods and just talk to this here family of giant gerbils, and pull out my rifle when the Girl Scouts come snoopin around with their cookies and putting Government juice in my water while I’m sleeping. I know what them little bitches are up to. Don’t you worry about that.
And I come to this here conclusion, and it’s a statement of truth. HEY ASSHOLE! I GOT IT GOOD!
Only thing messing up my nice life here is it’s looking like the next President is gonna be black. But there is an upside. It’ll leave Sarah Palin open to do that Hustler Magazine spread I been waitin for. When I get that issue, I’m gonna spooge all over her purty face.
I may shit on her too, if she’s into it.
1:51pm
Sunday, October 19, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! GOT ME A NEW DIET!
Hey asshole!
It’s been awhile since I last poked my keyboard. That’s because for a number of reasons.
#1. My pills they gave me for the pain in my mouth roof ran out. Right when they did, them giant gerbils went away, and now I got nobody to talk to me.
#2. My mouth is sewed shut and I ain’t aten in a good week. That there is my new diet plan for all you fat people. Just pull out yer mouth roof with a pair of pliers, fix it at the hospital where they’ll sew it up for ya. Then you can’t get no food in there because it’s sowed shut. If you un-sow it, you can’t chew cause the food will poke up there in yer mouth. There’s no way, asshole.
#3. Without nothing to eat, I’m thinking I’m probably gonna die soon and that’ll be the end of this here bloggin I been doin.
Yep, ol’ Wacky Macky may be on his way to glory. And by glory, I mean dead. I can see it now-- me dead, rottin away in my trailer next to my damn-near already rotted dog.
He can’t get no ball, and I can’t throw it no more because I’m rotting dead like the dog is. Can you imagine how much this place will smell?
Nobody will come in here to visit for months. I sure miss them gerbils. Maybe the old whore down the way will come up here and bring me something to eat. Just so long as it ain’t her pussy. I hope my mouth roof will heal up soon so I can cut out the metal what’s keeping my mouth clamped up.
Fuck a lot of shit if you ask me.
12:31pm