_ Saturday, November 15, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! WHERE’S MY DINGALING?
Hey asshole!
I been working out for about a day now. I done three or four pushups, a pull-up, and about four sit-ups. I don’t see no change whatsoever! I’m thinking this working out is some kind of bullshit. Where’s my dingaling? I still can’t see it. And now I got dog juice all over my feet.
I tell ya, this health club idea just ain’t working out for me. Should’ve stuck with the poetry.
I was gonna charge people to use my health club, but when I look at it and see what it’s done for me, nobody’s gonna pay money to work out in here. I’m pretty clear on that one.
And if I can’t get no money from people coming to my health club, how am I gonna buy them plans for the UFO?
I’m starting to come to some sense. Here’s the sense: Seems like everything I do is fucked up. That’s what I found out today. I’d try something new, but if everything I do is fucked up, well then you purty much know how the new thing’s gonna turn out.
I don’t see how to win it. Who’s gonna pay me and what for? Every day it’s just more shit I gotta do. I think I got a pee stone in my dick hose.
I need to do some thinking and think this thing through. I gotta think of something really smart. Let me see if I can do that. Probably fuck it up somehow. My brains don’t go. Something’s got under my toenail now. What the fuck IS that thing? Gotta scrape that thing outta there. Okay, here’s what I finally think. I think that thing’s a tick.
Gonna put on some Bee Gees. Them fellers always cheer me up.
11:31am
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I SHIT THE BED!
Hey asshole,
I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, this asshole Wacky Macky, all he talks about is sick shit that happened to him and it’s so gross. Well asshole, that’s what happens to ol’ Wacky Macky. I ain’t pullin no punches. I said I tell the truth, and when stuff happens, even if it’s sick, I feel a duty to blog about it in this here bloggin place.
It’s not like I was TRYIN to shit all over the bed. Who’d do a thing like that on purpose? I’m just sayin I couldn’t hold my rose together and a mess of poop fell outta there and onto the bed. There it is for you, in black and white-- and a little green and a piece of yellow. I’m gonna say, corn. There’s no doubt. There’s always one of them fuckers stuck in yer poop.
So I didn’t know all that crap come outta me and I was pitchin and rollin around in it because I was havin a dream that I was a pig rollin around in the mud. And in the dream, a farmer comes over and throws some feed into the mud. Naturally, being a hungry pig, I go down there to eat it.
That’s the only way I can think that I got so much poop on my face. I think during the night, I was probably trying to eat it thinking it was feed for a pig. When in reality, it were my own poop and now, maybe it IS gross. But it’s the truth. Sometimes the truth is gross. That don’t mean I ain’t gonna tell you I might have been eating poop in my sleep thinking it was pig feed from a dream I had. Shit happens.
Now, I’m not ashamed of it. Probably everybody at one time or another has eaten some of their bed poop. It’s natural. So long as I didn’t do it on purpose, there’s nothing wrong with it. And I can’t say it tasted so bad, but I can’t say it was something I’d go out of my way for to order in a fancy restaurant.
And looking at the mess on the bed, and how some of it is wiggling, looks like I might have to swallow some of the leftover dog worm medicine. Cause these are some big fucking worms I’m looking at here. That’s not gross, it’s just the truth. Sometimes, the truth is eatin poop with worms in it.
Fuck me! Looks like I’m barfin on the poop now...
This shit’s making me sick. Gimmie a minute here...
12:34pm
Thursday, November 20, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I’M GONNA GET SOME BABY PENISES FOR MY SKIN!
Hey asshole!
I just found me a way to get laid here.
I was rootin around the Internet machine at the library, and I found this here news item:
-ARTICLE-
NEW CURE FOR WRINKLES MADE FROM BABIES’ PENIS
A new treatment for wrinkles is on the horizon. It’s a new product called, Vavelta, which is produced from microscopic cells cultured from the foreskin of baby penises.
Clinical trials that took place in London used foreskin materials from the U.S., and the results were positive.
Although some may find being injected with penises somewhat distasteful, some could find it more appealing than being injected with alternative treatments, which in some cases, are made from toxic substances.
I know I ain’t the prettiest lump on the stump, but I recon if’n I inject my face with them baby penises, all my wrinkles and ugliness will go away. Then, bitches all over creation will want to yank on my noodle. This is better than a health club, better than a UFO.
Baby penises!
I wish I would have thought of this in the first place. I could have saved me a whole lot of pain, blood, puke, my dog, and heartache.
2:32pm
Saturday, November 22, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! THERE’S A COCKTAIL UMBRELLA STICKING OUT OF MY DICK HOLE!
Hey asshole!
Well, here it is.
I get the prize for about the stupidest motherfucker I can possibly be.
What I never told no one before was that a couple years back, I got to where I was stickin stuff in my dick hole. I don’t know why I done it. It’s just one of my holes and I feel I have the God-given right to root around in there if I want to.
So I had the tip of a little paint brush in there, I had an apple seed, there was the ice pick, you know, shit like that. Couldn’t work the shoehorn in there, but maybe I was askin for too much.
Anyhoo, the more shit I stuck in my dick hole, the easier it got to stick bigger shit in there. And weirder shit in there too, like the end of an uncooked spaghetti which broke off, by the way, in three pieces. Why the Hell is a stick of spaghetti breaking into three? Happens every time. Some scientist outta do spearmints on that one. It’s a Goddamn mystery. I had to pee that spaghetti deal out after it softened up a bit. And the chopstick was some sort of major feat for me. Take THAT, you Asian motherfuckers!
Well last night, if I ain’t the stupidest motherfucker of ‘em all. I was drinking my Mojito, and I always like to put a cocktail umbrella in my drink so I can pretend I’m fancy. And the drunker I got, the more I got to lookin’ at that umbrella. And I thought to myself, now Wacky-- that would be a pretty weird thing to stick in yer dick hole if you could get it up in there. Who in the world has done THAT before? Nobody. Me! I’d be the only one and that would make me some kind of special. I’d stand out like a turd in a punch bowl.
It would be like I could finally have a life and done something nobody else in the world can do. My claim to fame!
Hey asshole! Let’s see you do THIS!
See here?
Got a cocktail umbrella jammed in my dick hole. Can YOU do that? That’s right, asshole. No! Why! Cause I’m the only one! EEEEEHHHHHHAW! YIPEEEEE DEEE DOOOOOOO! FUCK ‘EM WHERE THEY BREED!
But there comes a little problem I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, until I started to realize that a cocktail umbrella is just like a real umbrella, only smaller. So it went in purty good, but when I tried to yank it outta there, the umbrella prongs opened up and stuck into my inside hose. The more I yanked on it, the more wedged in there it got. Now it’s like I’m pissin some blood, and a little meat is coming outta there too.
I think I really fucked up my wiener on this one.
I can’t stop fucking myself up, even when I don’t mean to. What am I? The United States of America?
You know what? Fuck it! I hate everybody anyway. I’m gonna get my shotgun and blow my fucking brains out! Finally! Been waiting for this opportunity a long long time. Now I got my chance. That’s right, folks. I’m gonna stand here, nekid, with the end of a cocktail umbrella sticking outta my dick hole, and blow my fuckin head off!
Goodbye, asshole! It’s been a fun bunch of blogging what I did here, but the President’s black, I can’t get my fuckin UFO together, my dog is a puddle of worms, my bed is coated with shit, girls don’t like me for some reason, what’s the point of it all, anyway?
Hey, wait a minute. Something smart is coming into my brains. Gimmie a second...
You know what? I bet I could SHOOT that umbrella outta me.
I don’t have to go and kill myself on this one. There could be plenty of more stupid shit for me to fuck up if I don’t blow my head off.
Okay, here’s what’s what:
I’m gonna shoot that umbrella out of my Goddamn dick hole. That’ll fix her. The right tool for the right job.
See there? Here’s a lesson to be learnt. Don’t ever write yourself off. Worse comes to worst, you can always fire a weapon into your dick.
Let’s see how this one’s gonna go down.
11:00am
Saturday, November 22, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I’M A GODDAMN LADY!
Hey asshole!
Well, that didn’t go so well.
I shot my dick off and the cocktail umbrella is still sticking out of the end of it. Never seen my dick stuck to the wall like that. Looks like the arm on the Statue of Liberty holdin a blown out torch.
Probably shoulda maybe used a .22 instead of a shotgun, cause most of the middle of me ain’t where it was before I fucked this deal up.
I’m starting to think I’m a wacky somovabitch, maybe the wackiest there ever was. But that part of me stuck to the wall, well, it’s something I can be proud of. It shows I mattered.
Thing is, I might have killed me off on this one.
Yup.
thre’s no dobatowtit.
11:19am
HEY ASSHOLE! WHERE’S MY DINGALING?
Hey asshole!
I been working out for about a day now. I done three or four pushups, a pull-up, and about four sit-ups. I don’t see no change whatsoever! I’m thinking this working out is some kind of bullshit. Where’s my dingaling? I still can’t see it. And now I got dog juice all over my feet.
I tell ya, this health club idea just ain’t working out for me. Should’ve stuck with the poetry.
I was gonna charge people to use my health club, but when I look at it and see what it’s done for me, nobody’s gonna pay money to work out in here. I’m pretty clear on that one.
And if I can’t get no money from people coming to my health club, how am I gonna buy them plans for the UFO?
I’m starting to come to some sense. Here’s the sense: Seems like everything I do is fucked up. That’s what I found out today. I’d try something new, but if everything I do is fucked up, well then you purty much know how the new thing’s gonna turn out.
I don’t see how to win it. Who’s gonna pay me and what for? Every day it’s just more shit I gotta do. I think I got a pee stone in my dick hose.
I need to do some thinking and think this thing through. I gotta think of something really smart. Let me see if I can do that. Probably fuck it up somehow. My brains don’t go. Something’s got under my toenail now. What the fuck IS that thing? Gotta scrape that thing outta there. Okay, here’s what I finally think. I think that thing’s a tick.
Gonna put on some Bee Gees. Them fellers always cheer me up.
11:31am
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I SHIT THE BED!
Hey asshole,
I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, this asshole Wacky Macky, all he talks about is sick shit that happened to him and it’s so gross. Well asshole, that’s what happens to ol’ Wacky Macky. I ain’t pullin no punches. I said I tell the truth, and when stuff happens, even if it’s sick, I feel a duty to blog about it in this here bloggin place.
It’s not like I was TRYIN to shit all over the bed. Who’d do a thing like that on purpose? I’m just sayin I couldn’t hold my rose together and a mess of poop fell outta there and onto the bed. There it is for you, in black and white-- and a little green and a piece of yellow. I’m gonna say, corn. There’s no doubt. There’s always one of them fuckers stuck in yer poop.
So I didn’t know all that crap come outta me and I was pitchin and rollin around in it because I was havin a dream that I was a pig rollin around in the mud. And in the dream, a farmer comes over and throws some feed into the mud. Naturally, being a hungry pig, I go down there to eat it.
That’s the only way I can think that I got so much poop on my face. I think during the night, I was probably trying to eat it thinking it was feed for a pig. When in reality, it were my own poop and now, maybe it IS gross. But it’s the truth. Sometimes the truth is gross. That don’t mean I ain’t gonna tell you I might have been eating poop in my sleep thinking it was pig feed from a dream I had. Shit happens.
Now, I’m not ashamed of it. Probably everybody at one time or another has eaten some of their bed poop. It’s natural. So long as I didn’t do it on purpose, there’s nothing wrong with it. And I can’t say it tasted so bad, but I can’t say it was something I’d go out of my way for to order in a fancy restaurant.
And looking at the mess on the bed, and how some of it is wiggling, looks like I might have to swallow some of the leftover dog worm medicine. Cause these are some big fucking worms I’m looking at here. That’s not gross, it’s just the truth. Sometimes, the truth is eatin poop with worms in it.
Fuck me! Looks like I’m barfin on the poop now...
This shit’s making me sick. Gimmie a minute here...
12:34pm
Thursday, November 20, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I’M GONNA GET SOME BABY PENISES FOR MY SKIN!
Hey asshole!
I just found me a way to get laid here.
I was rootin around the Internet machine at the library, and I found this here news item:
-ARTICLE-
NEW CURE FOR WRINKLES MADE FROM BABIES’ PENIS
A new treatment for wrinkles is on the horizon. It’s a new product called, Vavelta, which is produced from microscopic cells cultured from the foreskin of baby penises.
Clinical trials that took place in London used foreskin materials from the U.S., and the results were positive.
Although some may find being injected with penises somewhat distasteful, some could find it more appealing than being injected with alternative treatments, which in some cases, are made from toxic substances.
I know I ain’t the prettiest lump on the stump, but I recon if’n I inject my face with them baby penises, all my wrinkles and ugliness will go away. Then, bitches all over creation will want to yank on my noodle. This is better than a health club, better than a UFO.
Baby penises!
I wish I would have thought of this in the first place. I could have saved me a whole lot of pain, blood, puke, my dog, and heartache.
2:32pm
Saturday, November 22, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! THERE’S A COCKTAIL UMBRELLA STICKING OUT OF MY DICK HOLE!
Hey asshole!
Well, here it is.
I get the prize for about the stupidest motherfucker I can possibly be.
What I never told no one before was that a couple years back, I got to where I was stickin stuff in my dick hole. I don’t know why I done it. It’s just one of my holes and I feel I have the God-given right to root around in there if I want to.
So I had the tip of a little paint brush in there, I had an apple seed, there was the ice pick, you know, shit like that. Couldn’t work the shoehorn in there, but maybe I was askin for too much.
Anyhoo, the more shit I stuck in my dick hole, the easier it got to stick bigger shit in there. And weirder shit in there too, like the end of an uncooked spaghetti which broke off, by the way, in three pieces. Why the Hell is a stick of spaghetti breaking into three? Happens every time. Some scientist outta do spearmints on that one. It’s a Goddamn mystery. I had to pee that spaghetti deal out after it softened up a bit. And the chopstick was some sort of major feat for me. Take THAT, you Asian motherfuckers!
Well last night, if I ain’t the stupidest motherfucker of ‘em all. I was drinking my Mojito, and I always like to put a cocktail umbrella in my drink so I can pretend I’m fancy. And the drunker I got, the more I got to lookin’ at that umbrella. And I thought to myself, now Wacky-- that would be a pretty weird thing to stick in yer dick hole if you could get it up in there. Who in the world has done THAT before? Nobody. Me! I’d be the only one and that would make me some kind of special. I’d stand out like a turd in a punch bowl.
It would be like I could finally have a life and done something nobody else in the world can do. My claim to fame!
Hey asshole! Let’s see you do THIS!
See here?
Got a cocktail umbrella jammed in my dick hole. Can YOU do that? That’s right, asshole. No! Why! Cause I’m the only one! EEEEEHHHHHHAW! YIPEEEEE DEEE DOOOOOOO! FUCK ‘EM WHERE THEY BREED!
But there comes a little problem I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, until I started to realize that a cocktail umbrella is just like a real umbrella, only smaller. So it went in purty good, but when I tried to yank it outta there, the umbrella prongs opened up and stuck into my inside hose. The more I yanked on it, the more wedged in there it got. Now it’s like I’m pissin some blood, and a little meat is coming outta there too.
I think I really fucked up my wiener on this one.
I can’t stop fucking myself up, even when I don’t mean to. What am I? The United States of America?
You know what? Fuck it! I hate everybody anyway. I’m gonna get my shotgun and blow my fucking brains out! Finally! Been waiting for this opportunity a long long time. Now I got my chance. That’s right, folks. I’m gonna stand here, nekid, with the end of a cocktail umbrella sticking outta my dick hole, and blow my fuckin head off!
Goodbye, asshole! It’s been a fun bunch of blogging what I did here, but the President’s black, I can’t get my fuckin UFO together, my dog is a puddle of worms, my bed is coated with shit, girls don’t like me for some reason, what’s the point of it all, anyway?
Hey, wait a minute. Something smart is coming into my brains. Gimmie a second...
You know what? I bet I could SHOOT that umbrella outta me.
I don’t have to go and kill myself on this one. There could be plenty of more stupid shit for me to fuck up if I don’t blow my head off.
Okay, here’s what’s what:
I’m gonna shoot that umbrella out of my Goddamn dick hole. That’ll fix her. The right tool for the right job.
See there? Here’s a lesson to be learnt. Don’t ever write yourself off. Worse comes to worst, you can always fire a weapon into your dick.
Let’s see how this one’s gonna go down.
11:00am
Saturday, November 22, 2008
HEY ASSHOLE! I’M A GODDAMN LADY!
Hey asshole!
Well, that didn’t go so well.
I shot my dick off and the cocktail umbrella is still sticking out of the end of it. Never seen my dick stuck to the wall like that. Looks like the arm on the Statue of Liberty holdin a blown out torch.
Probably shoulda maybe used a .22 instead of a shotgun, cause most of the middle of me ain’t where it was before I fucked this deal up.
I’m starting to think I’m a wacky somovabitch, maybe the wackiest there ever was. But that part of me stuck to the wall, well, it’s something I can be proud of. It shows I mattered.
Thing is, I might have killed me off on this one.
Yup.
thre’s no dobatowtit.
11:19am