QUIT FUSSIN' WITH IT, IT'S DONE!
by Tom Miller
(c) March 1996 FREDInk Productions
Blues TV
Every night on Blues TV
I see things I need not see
Like rape and murder and shooting sprees
I am a victim of my TV
It may be looking back at me
Flat Rat
(Miller collaborates with the spirit of Dr. Suess via a Ouija Board)
A rat named Pat
He ate my cheese
And angered me
I was not pleased
I got my bat and
On my knees
I beat the rat
Who ate my cheese
I beat that rat
I beat it flat
A rat named Pat
Was flat by bat
And now that I have
Ended that
Lick my twat you idiat
Glorious Poetry is Like a Turd
Glorious poetry is like a turd
A twisted mangling of words
To so express some place or thing
And some event or happening
And as the poetry unfolds
The stench engulfs you like a mold
The paragraphs begin to clump
And squeeze as if from out a rump
Man, I Suck
Man oh man, do I sure suck
My poetry is really muck
I am the worst at poetry
People like to throw tomatoes
Sometimes when I read aloud
People talk and often shout
How bad I write we can agree
Is oh so bad it makes me sneeze
Were I a Hemingway or a Poe
My writing would not suck so
Unfortunately though, I am no Poe
and my writing that might not suck so
Seems only to be so so
Ho ho ho
Away we go
Don't you know
My poetry
Is awfully bad and horribo?
Thing Hanging Out of the Ceiling (The third in the Me Ernie Trilogy.)
I look up and gosh darn it, if there ain't a thing hanging out of the ceiling. I ask myself, well what in the world is that doing there, but it don't talk much. I ask myself fine then, what is it? Still it don't talk. I just sit here looking at it, wondering how it got there and what it is.
Lawyer
Hi, I'm a lawyer
Worship me
Give me money
Garden Burger
One day, Ethel Abromowitz was out in the garden hosing down the azaleas, when suddenly she heard a paculiar sizzling sound coming from the bushes. "Is that you, Fred?" she asked, but Fred was dozing on the stove.
The Dog with the Marsupial Pouch
Me 'un Mabel was ug walking down the street one day when we seen us this dog with a marsupial pouch. Mabel, I said abruptly, a dog ain't usposed to have it no pouch lessin we in Australia, and we's here in Ocala, ain't we?
We sure is, husband, she replies. So that there ain't no proper dog, is what we lookin' at.
Little Betty Bird Splat
Gentle the bird
Alights in the tree
And Betty the child
Beneath thee
Observing thy ways
So Lovingly
Bird songs rings out
So sweetly
The whistling bird Unloaded a turd
On Betty the child
Beneath thee
And Betty you see
Could never have seen
A birdshit waterfall
Turn her mouth green
Coral, Leave it Alone, It's Just Sitting There
Coral
Colors and
Life rides
Between
Samuel Robinson, Writer, Family Man
Samuel Robinson was known as a kindly old man who often spent leisurely afternoons sunning on his porch beneath the sweltering sun. Pen in hand, feverishly reworking some line of text, he would, as I have so eloquently said before, sun on his porch beneath the sweltering sun. His family, two daughters and a wife, would stay in the house, mostly. They were busy baking for Christmas dinner. He wrote all day about nothing in particular, but he often liked what he wrote and he read it again and again to himself, reveling in the glory of all he was and all he could be. Grandmother rested calmly in the hammock when suddenly a random twitch of her mechanical hip sent her spiraling off the netting and into the dirt where she died. The mother and her daughters continued baking Christmas dinner and Samuel Robinson, Writer, Family Man, wrote about it and sold the story for a million bucks.
Left Wing Radical, Right Biscuit
She was a leftist
He a hunter gatherer
She was a radical
He a hungry animal
She had liberal leanings
He wanted a biscuit
She thought he was wrong
He thought biscuits were right
She ate vegan food
He ate Kentucky Fried Chicken
She was gaunt and sickly
He was a big fat slob
Why Mucous
I do not understand
Nor fathom the thought
That good-mannered people
Have gotta' have snot
Why snot?
Why mucous?
Why snot snot?
4 Electrocuted Eels
In a dramatic
Twist of event
4 clumsy eels
Entangled and bent
Purple Dog Eats Grandmother
So he ate her. What mystery is there to that? He ate her, and the evidence is clear. What remains unclear is the purple condition of the dog. This is not typical of a dog, and therein lies a room for reasonable doubt. Further, we do not know the condition of the grandmother prior to her eating. If it were surmised that she were purple, one could reasonably infer that the dog became purple through the act of eating her. Not likely, says expert witness Blutto, the bulldog from next door. In a passionate plea to the jury, he uttered the following statement:
"Woof. Woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."
Following this, the prosecution called no further witnesses and rested the case. It never woke up, and grandmother was acquitted of all the charges.
Three Ants on a Basketball
"So, Stan," said one ant to the other two, "How do you account for all this dizziness?"
Barely Legal Dildos
These are no ordinary dildos, these dildos are barely legal. Barbs and spikes and the unnecessary use of water-based lubricant and electricity is sure to produce funny walking lawsuits.
Mullet Toilet Tissue - The Latest Rag, I Mean, Rage
Man, have you tried the mullet tissue? It's one thing to be clean, but it's quite another to put fish in your ass, 'cause then there's no telling what happened.
Girl Writing About Me at the Computer
Coming over now...laughing and blowing in my ear...do I get the message...no, not really...what is it? I ask her. Exactly my point, there isn't one, she coyly replies. "Oh brother, it's getting bad, Tom. I hate to tell you." Yes, I agree in my mind, it is getting particularly bad.
Man Carried Off by Swarm of Tsetse Flies
See, there's this man. I find him annoying. And I wonder to myself if I could have him carried off, what might be the most undignified way for him to go? And I decide that if a swarm of tsetse flies carried him far off into the jungle and dropped him into a bucket of shit, it could never happen soon enough for me.
Leave It Alone, It's Done
My steak...My steak...
My steak is overcooking...
Stop the steak from cooking...
Leave my steak alone
Chill out, man, go with it
Let the man bite the nuts off that dog for all I care, but for
God's sake, please don't spit that shit up on me.
An Act of Art
How old are you?
Pretty good for your age.
Far Northern guy
Canadian writer
Writes about wolves
Never heard of the guy
Writes about nature up there
Small book
Book about wolves
Harmonica
Guy sings like a hillbilly
So figures he'd be playing harmonica
Most hillbilly instrument
I ever did saw
You don't need no degree or
Formal training to blow
In and out on a stick
How utterly ridiculous
What wouldja say if
Harmonicas came into fashion
In the intelligentsia of Central
Florida's Brain Institute
I got me this here certificate
Ph.D. in Harmonica and this
Here paper says I can blow in
And out of this stick
I would surely slap him like
A red-headed stepchild
And if'n he pulls out a jew's harp
And starts uh-banging away
I may just play Deliverance
Living With Artichoke
Look at you, I shouted at her. Sitting there like a vegetable. you look so steamed, why don't you go wash off or dip yourself in butter or something. You look terrible. Green, almost. And so pointed with me, all the time. you should have those points trimmed if you expect to be presentable. i tell you, talking to you is like scraping teeth sometimes.
She replies, eat my heart out.
"In my dreams I see a young man naked and jerking off my dog."
Comment overheard in the Civic Media Center
Bag Of Poetry
Bag of poetry
Jumble full of words
Twisted and meaningless
Unread and so unknown
Written and left there
In the middle of the
Damp wet spot
Cosmopolitan Society
Girl...sexy...slides down the street...sings to a rap song...in a very white way...looking good...like you knew she would...girl, the 70s went out with Donna Summer, get a life...she don't care...
Imposter Paul Cohen
"Great Dumpster Mother, Goddess, may ye find a quarter pound in the dumpster! Well I got up this morning...and I saw a half-bottle of beer next to a spliff rolled in red, white, and blue. A-MAN~! A-WOMAN! A-DRAG QUEEN! GODDESS BLESS THEE!"
I was not fooled so easily by the ranting of the poet before me. "You sir may be a cunning linguist, but you are no Paul Cohen!" I ran to the stage and removed his mustachio. Lo and behold his lip was bleeding.
