it is because you are trying
truth be told
trying to go to sleep
instead, try to stay awake
and then off you'll go
where dreams don't want you.
The Long Letter
She had left me for good
My heart was broken
And so I began a long letter
Which is where I stopped because
Get Off The Computer
Get off the computer,
I'm not on the computer,
I replied, I'm just
Using it. If I was on it,
I'd break it.
That's not what I mean.
Get off the computer!
Oh, I replied.
So I rubbed it, and put my fingers
In the earphone hole, and said
nasty things to it...
No. Turn it off! He shouted.
I'm trying to turn it on, I said.
Didn't you say, get off the computer?
I almost had it. It was about
To get off!
You stupid twat, he said.
And that made me angry,
So I turned the computer off.
I had some Silly Putty
and I put it up my butt.
Then I farted,
And a cartoon from the newspaper
On a Roll
You know how sometimes
When you get on a roll,
And the waiter is all like,
Get your ass off the bread!
I Was Reading About Mummies
In the library,
A book was talking about
Egyptians hooked out the brain from a
Mummy's nose as part of how they
Preserved these things.
So I got a wire coat hanger at home,
And fashioned a hook out of it, and
Started fishing my brain out of my nose,
And that's about as far as I got.
The Never-Ending Lady
I was in the store
Waiting on this lady
To decide what kind of ice cream she wanted
She looked at the Strawberry, then the Rocky Road,
Then the Vanilla, then back at the Strawberry,
And this went on for about five minutes.
I was thinking in my mind, Jesus Fucking Christ,
Lady, pick an ice cream already. I knew what I wanted,
I wanted some Bomb Pops. I knew that before I got
In the car to go to the store.
She looked at the chocolate-covered bananas,
Then she looked at the push-ups and the fudge pops,
I was thinking in my mind, I hope you die of a heart attack
So I can get my Bomb Pops, you horrible bitch.
About ten minutes later, I gave up. Went to the meat isle
for some ground beef and figured, by the time I get back
She'll be gone and I can finally get in there to get my Bomb Pops.
So I went to the meat isle, got some ground beef, and then
went back to the ice cream. She was gone, and so was the
Last pack of Bomb Pops, which is what she had finally settled on.
Little Girl and the Petting Zoo
Little Susie saw the adorable baby goat,
And ran over to pet it. For some reason or another,
As she was petting the goat, it seized up and slowly
Fell over and died of a brain aneurysm.
Crying, she turned to me and asked,
"Do you think it had a rare spontaneous subarachnoid hemorrhage?"
To which I replied, "No, little girl. You did this to it."
Baby on a Plane
On my way to Tampa, the worst city in the world,
I took another bite of my Biscoff airplane biscuit.
It was like eating a loaf of mummy shit.
And that's when a baby started to cry.
Some kind of shriek in the 130 decibel range,
enough to cause permanent ear damage.
Of course the mother's solution was to poke at it,
Which only produced an acoustic quality known in the audio industry
As "roughness", and this can disturb a typical amygdala such as mine
To the point of extreme abject neurasthenia.
So I took the rest of the biscuit, jammed it into the baby's
Face-hole, opened the exit door over the wing, and out it went.
And the moral of the story is,
Stan finally managed to get his trousers down around his ankles.
Edna looked at his raging inward nut and began to laugh.
"I know," he said. "But this thing's been fixed at the doctor. Just
Give me a minute to do my routine and I think you'll be quite impressed."
Stan put his thumb in his mouth and his cheeks puffed out like Dizzy
Gillespie. But nothing seemed to happen with the nub. "Well?" said Edna.
"Hang on, give it a second. I only had this fixed yesterday. Maybe it's
scabbed up in there." Stan blew all the harder.
Suddenly, a sound like gunfire, his tater shot through the wall
And killed whomever was in the next room screaming,
"Well," said Edna, "...at least someone got fucked today."
Politically Incorrect Joke #24
Did you hear the one about the dildo and the transvestite?
You use it to rubber dick.
Politically Incorrect Joke #16
What do you get when you cross an irradiated Russian catfish with a tube of toothpaste?
Politically incorrect Joke #72
What's the difference between Donald Trump and an infected nut sack?
One is an orange festering smelly pus wad, and the other one is an infected nut sack.
-- 1/31 2020