CONTACT: Reverend Deacon Tom Miller (386) 295-0090 or firstname.lastname@example.org
ITEM: The Reverend Angeldust's Tabernacle of Hedonism with your host Tom Miller utterly defeats the Independent Florida Alligator after year-long war.
DETAILS: After discovering the Independent Florida Alligator was trying to destroy (we allege) Gainesville's newest church, the Tabernacle of Hedonism, by not writing about us, we naturally presumed they were reverse-engineering UFOs and in league with the Alien Motherhood--an assumption any reasonable person would make.
We went through normal channels to announce the founding of Gainesville's newest and most interesting church to the student-run newspaper--press releases, telephone calls, Internet inquiries and the like, but never received any acknowledgement whatsoever. In an effort to curb what we believed to be nefarious collusion with extra-terrestrials, we began a Tabernacle surveillance program using information-gathering stealth drone technology.
We then, in the absence of any valid information (which indicates conspiracy), we marched on the Alligator in an attempt to bring the Alligator's reverse-engineering of UFOs to the light of day. The Alligator also accepted our free Five-Star Pizza bribe (a $45 value), and still they did not write up the church. We discovered, through the use of a strategically placed 'mole' that the Alligator felt 'bullied' by the Tabernacle and now could not ethically write us up even if they wanted to.
We realized that if the Alligator was no longer permitting itself to write about the Tabernacle because they felt bullied, then the Alligator was in fact not writing about us because they were bullied--a completely unethical catch-22. The idea that journalism is under the control of a variety show is unconscionable! Therefore, the Tabernacle of Hedonism now enjoys complete control of the Independent Florida Alligator and we can officially release the following information:
* The Tabernacle of Hedonism has won the year-long war with the Independent Florida Alligator
* If the Independent Florida Alligator was reverse-engineering UFO's and in collusion with the Alien Motherhood, they certainly are no longer engaging in these alleged activities thanks to the Tabernacle of Hedonism
* The Alligator accepted a pizza bribe (Evidence included in the link) and we have now exposed this diabolical fact
* As a secret society, we have effectively now assured our anonymity which is what we truly wanted anyway
Happy Christmas, WAR IS OVER!
For more on the war including informational links and evidence:
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