it is not a lack of experience
but it is horny
it is nature, life, fertility, tranquility, on occasion, jealousy,
sometimes it just wants that tire
so bad

for what you can say about it
green is not what defines it nor
its modus operandi in the way it eats, shits, and dreams

it is just a green dog
as colored as a red dog or a pink dog or an orange dog

the teeth are bared
the tongue is wet
the poop is brown

and you do not need to bother
about the lipstick

-- Tom Miller

Artist: Zhou Chunya

This morning in a coffee shop, I glance over next to me where an older gentleman is seated and notice the book he is reading: The Art of Life by Havelock Ellis. It is very old, a 1929 Houghton Mifflin edition. It seems to be excerpts and appears philosophical in nature. As events progress, a friend of mine, Tom Holtz (guitar player extraordinaire), walks in a greets me and this fellow seated next to me. Turns out the gentleman had booked Tom's band as an opener for national acts in big concert halls in the past. After Tom leaves, I strike up a conversation about the book. The gentleman told me he got it for a dollar at Hospice. "May I examine it?" I asked. "Sure." The pages are yellowed and have that quality of historic significance that contemporary lack, as the art of bookmaking has become more machine-shop in nature. The first section I.) "Love".

Who IS this guy? I wondered before my almighty computer, and then I inquired to the oracle (Google) and found the story of Havelock Ellis. From his Wikipedia page: "He [Havelock Ellis] was co-author of the first medical textbook in English on homosexuality in 1897, and also published works on a variety of sexual practices and inclinations, including transgender psychology. He is credited with introducing the notions of narcissism and autoeroticism, later adopted by psychoanalysis."

"Ellis wrote the first objective study of homosexuality, as he did not characterize it as a disease, immoral, or a crime. The work assumes that same-sex love transcended age taboos as well as gender taboos. Seven of his twenty-one case studies are of inter-generational relationships."

He also wrote poetry. What are the cosmic chances everything in the universe produced an alignment in which something like this could happen? This is a very important man. His poems can not be found on the Internet. That is how I know.



"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
~ Havelock Ellis

This is the first poem in my new chapbook, Polyester Maggots of Glory. What I am hoping to achieve for poetry and art is to take the craft into the future. And so, after working on this poem for over twenty-five years, I give you "...absurdism that makes complete sense!" This is also the only poem ever written in the entire world that has 'Jesus', 'Cheetos', and 'Justin Bieber's Butthole' in it.

----------------------------------------------

RELIGION EXPLAINED FOR IDIOTS

I.             In the beginning…

A lady pulled up beside me

In her red Toyota, rolled down the window,

And said, “She’s a dingbat, she’s a dingbat.”

That’s how my day began.

I reflected on the idea that in

Millions of years of evolution

It had all come to this.

I hate knowing everything that matters.

II.           Revelations

What Happened Since I Quit Drinking

I was eleven days in

And I could no longer walk straight

My vision began to blur

I no longer got laid

As for the poems

They stopped talking to me

And went off on their own to a bar,

Disappointed in my lack of commitment

And in horror, I realized

I was healthy and happy

With plenty of money and time

Succeeding in life

The apocalypse had finally arrived

 

III.          The Heavens and the Earth

Mixed Up Nerd Fred Wars Star Death

Down street the

Fred backward walked

Supermarket

Into

Bananas

Checking if

Was he

Yellow

Looking for not green

But yellow not too only in

Four days bananas black

He did not

So soon after want

Fucked

Ass

Turning brown in the

Then

Yoda

Died he did

Next year after

j.j. Abrahams

episode Star

directed

seven Wars

good

acting

everything ruined

laughing

to the

mouse bank

raped

all the way

IV.          Stoned

big bear

big bear angry

no fish

little girl at zoo

throw rock

ha ha funny bear

fuck this bitch

little girl

lean in for closer…

OOPSIE!

Mother scream

Throws rock

Bear okay with it

Move A little closer

Rock hit face

No problem

Little girl unconscious

Rock hits head

Bear feels slight tickle

Moves closer takes his time

Screaming everywhere

Bear stops to yawn and stretch

Zoo keepers throw fish

No distraction

Little girl looks like

Bowl of cream and honey

Nice and easy now

Closer closer rock hits paw

Who gives a shit

Mouth opens teeth bared

Rock hits butt as

Little girl head pops like a coconut

Bear licks little girl’s brain

Bear can taste her dreams

By the time zoo keepers

Fire the bullets

Bear could care less

Anger gives way to

Satisfaction and sweet death

Zoo closes bear exhibit

For two weeks

Then FREAK hurricane

Destroys zoo

Animals running wild

 

V.           Noah’s Bark

Noah says,

Quick, hide in here!

Points to boat.

Sails out to

One of Estonia’s islands

Noah is nowhere to be found

What are the giraffes smiling about?

Nuclear bomb goes off

Mold survives and mutates to become intelligent

New inhabitants of planet Earth

They set up a cheese zoo

The American escapes and goes to war with the French

The Swiss don’t help

The brie lays low and creamy

All television shows of the seventies

Fuck each other in the ass

Turn into a pillar of

Saltines and the snacks retain their innocence

Until they give birth to Justin Bieber’s

Butthole.

VI.          The Seventh Coming

We waited for the second coming for quite some time

And when Jesus finally showed up, he was disguised as a

Typewriter, old-school Littera-32, and nobody knew what it was

In reality, this was the seventh coming, he had been back before

Once as a banana, turned black, told you Jesus was black but nobody

Listens to me, once as a mosquito, that lasted about three seconds

On somebody’s arm, drink of the blood eat the flesh, and next thing you know,

Smack down!

Three was Jesus doing his best imitation of Ronald Reagan but

He was not very good at it, as we have since discovered after AIDS.

Four’s the charm so they say. So, okay. Nobody says that. He came back

Round four and nobody knew what it was. What is that? No idea. Let’s ignore it.

Five, a Cheeto. They put him in a casino. Got 254,500 bucks on e-bay from a Spanish

Woman out of Miami who used the money to hire a gunman to kill her husband so

She could get the life insurance. When the gunman drew the weapon, it misfired

Into his nut sack. She’s in jail. Some drunk guy ate the Cheeto and there went that one.

Hey, give the guy a break. The drinks are free in the casino. He didn’t know it was a Cheeto,

He thought it was Jesus. Turns out, it was Cheeto-Jesus. One in the same.

That’s what 254,500 bucks gets you these days. Resurrection number Six was the one we all read about 

In the big Book. Short story, the ending leaves you hanging. But in that one, he was like three completely

Different things; Father, Son, Holy Ghost…and they were all somehow the same thing. By the time you

Get to rebound number six, you begin to think something is going Very wrong with the poetry. So here

We are. Jesus is a typewriter. Old-school. A littera-32, same model that Cormac McCarthy used to write

No Country for Old Men. Cormac sold it at auction for 254,500 dollars. Then he went down to the pawn

Shop and found a littera-32, same model and style, for about 20 bucks with a new ribbon, worked better

Than the one he sold. And what you have heard is what it wrote.

You should understand what religion is all about, right about now.

I am going to be very careful how I pick my friends in the future. Seems I have made some serious mistakes.