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RELIGION EXPLAINED FOR IDIOTS
I. In the beginning…
A lady pulled up beside me
In her red Toyota, rolled down the window,
And said, “She’s a dingbat, she’s a dingbat.”
That’s how my day began.
I reflected on the idea that in
Millions of years of evolution
It had all come to this.
I hate knowing everything that matters.
II. Revelations
What Happened Since I Quit Drinking
I was eleven days in
And I could no longer walk straight
My vision began to blur
I no longer got laid
As for the poems
They stopped talking to me
And went off on their own to a bar,
Disappointed in my lack of commitment
And in horror, I realized
I was healthy and happy
With plenty of money and time
Succeeding in life
The apocalypse had finally arrived
III. The Heavens and the Earth
Mixed Up Nerd Fred Wars Star Death
Down street the
Fred backward walked
Supermarket
Into
Bananas
Checking if
Was he
Yellow
Looking for not green
But yellow not too only in
Four days bananas black
He did not
So soon after want
Fucked
Ass
Turning brown in the
Then
Yoda
Died he did
Next year after
j.j. Abrahams
episode Star
directed
seven Wars
good
acting
everything ruined
laughing
to the
mouse bank
raped
all the way
IV. Stoned
big bear
big bear angry
no fish
little girl at zoo
throw rock
ha ha funny bear
fuck this bitch
little girl
lean in for closer…
OOPSIE!
Mother scream
Throws rock
Bear okay with it
Move A little closer
Rock hit face
No problem
Little girl unconscious
Rock hits head
Bear feels slight tickle
Moves closer takes his time
Screaming everywhere
Bear stops to yawn and stretch
Zoo keepers throw fish
No distraction
Little girl looks like
Bowl of cream and honey
Nice and easy now
Closer closer rock hits paw
Who gives a shit
Mouth opens teeth bared
Rock hits butt as
Little girl head pops like a coconut
Bear licks little girl’s brain
Bear can taste her dreams
By the time zoo keepers
Fire the bullets
Bear could care less
Anger gives way to
Satisfaction and sweet death
Zoo closes bear exhibit
For two weeks
Then FREAK hurricane
Destroys zoo
Animals running wild
V. Noah’s Bark
Noah says,
Quick, hide in here!
Points to boat.
Sails out to
One of Estonia’s islands
Noah is nowhere to be found
What are the giraffes smiling about?
Nuclear bomb goes off
Mold survives and mutates to become intelligent
New inhabitants of planet Earth
They set up a cheese zoo
The American escapes and goes to war with the French
The Swiss don’t help
The brie lays low and creamy
All television shows of the seventies
Fuck each other in the ass
Turn into a pillar of
Saltines and the snacks retain their innocence
Until they give birth to Justin Bieber’s
Butthole.
VI. The Seventh Coming
We waited for the second coming for quite some time
And when Jesus finally showed up, he was disguised as a
Typewriter, old-school Littera-32, and nobody knew what it was
In reality, this was the seventh coming, he had been back before
Once as a banana, turned black, told you Jesus was black but nobody
Listens to me, once as a mosquito, that lasted about three seconds
On somebody’s arm, drink of the blood eat the flesh, and next thing you know,
Smack down!
Three was Jesus doing his best imitation of Ronald Reagan but
He was not very good at it, as we have since discovered after AIDS.
Four’s the charm so they say. So, okay. Nobody says that. He came back
Round four and nobody knew what it was. What is that? No idea. Let’s ignore it.
Five, a Cheeto. They put him in a casino. Got 254,500 bucks on e-bay from a Spanish
Woman out of Miami who used the money to hire a gunman to kill her husband so
She could get the life insurance. When the gunman drew the weapon, it misfired
Into his nut sack. She’s in jail. Some drunk guy ate the Cheeto and there went that one.
Hey, give the guy a break. The drinks are free in the casino. He didn’t know it was a Cheeto,
He thought it was Jesus. Turns out, it was Cheeto-Jesus. One in the same.
That’s what 254,500 bucks gets you these days. Resurrection number Six was the one we all read about
In the big Book. Short story, the ending leaves you hanging. But in that one, he was like three completely
Different things; Father, Son, Holy Ghost…and they were all somehow the same thing. By the time you
Get to rebound number six, you begin to think something is going Very wrong with the poetry. So here
We are. Jesus is a typewriter. Old-school. A littera-32, same model that Cormac McCarthy used to write
No Country for Old Men. Cormac sold it at auction for 254,500 dollars. Then he went down to the pawn
Shop and found a littera-32, same model and style, for about 20 bucks with a new ribbon, worked better
Than the one he sold. And what you have heard is what it wrote.
You should understand what religion is all about, right about now.