Today I was mortified to learn of a so-called comedian named Craig Rowin who asked a millionaire to give him one-million dollars in exchange for absolutely nothing.
GUY STOLE MY IDEA! I had originated that offer in 1985 and published my request on the Internet on the now defunct Geocities web hosting site. I've been at this twenty-five years and this schmuck shows up, copies my idea, and GETS THE MONEY? I actually thought about suing him...for one-million dollars.
Turns out, he was lying. It was all a hoax to bring attention to his failing comedy act. Howard, I've heard the man's jokes. He's not funny. But I did laugh when I found out it was a big scam (Village Voice and several other media outlets outed him) because that meant that my offer was still valid and I had a shot at being the first person in the world to receive one-million dollars in exchange for absolutely nothing. The press seemed actually disappointed that nobody had broken that one-mil 'just-ask-the-web' barrier. I want to break through that barrier. I want to be the Jacques Cousteau of exploratory performance art.
So here's my idea. Howard...YOU give me the money. I promise to waste it all on booze, drugs, sex, extravagant lobster dinners, you name it. I give you my word, no penny will be left unspent on Bohemian self-indulgent activities. I'd be happy to take you and a guest out if you'd like, because I'd be rich enough to do it. This has great marketing potential for your show...to weed out the bullshitters from the real-deals. I'm a performance artist, not a comedian. Craig Rowin was joking, I'm not. Please see my offer (which I've updated to account for this Mr. Rowin comedian asshole) here:
Howard, let's do this. I really love lobster and blowing shitloads of cash, but I think there could be a great side-benefit here for your show. Let's put down the imitators and celebrate reality, together. You and me, Howard. We do it on the show, and you can check up on me weekly to see how the spending of the cash is going. I should be able to get through one-mil in about a week or so. So okay, it's only a few episodes...but let's do it anyway.
Here's my wikipedia credentials: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Miller_(performance_artist)
Howard, thanks for personally checking out my opportunity.
-- Tom Miller