ITEM: THE REVEREND ANGELDUST'S TABERNACLE OF HEDONISM WITH YOUR HOST, TOM MILLER, DECLARES VICTORY IN IT'S YEAR-LONG WAR WITH THE INDEPENDENT FLORIDA ALLIGATOR!
In a stunning turn of events, Deacon Tom Miller, Host of the Tabernacle of Hedonism has declared victory in the Tabernacle's declared war against the student-run newspaper The Independent Florida Alligator.
Miller made the following statement at the Tabernacle Service of December 9, 2013: "When we realized that the Independent Alligator was trying to destroy the Tabernacle by not writing about it, and that they may have been reverse-engineering UFOs which would have potentially threatened the safety of Gainesville residents, we declared war. They successfully did not write about the Tabernacle or any of her members for months. The Tabernacle attempted to get the Alligator to write about them with free pizza from Five-Star on Monday, March 18th of 2013 which the Alligator accepted (a bribe) and still they did not write about the Tabernacle.
It was then brought to our attention by a mole (Secret Council of Society Deacons Church Operative who shall remain nameless) that the Alligator was not only NOT writing about the Tabernacle to destroy it, it was also NOT writing about the Tabernacle because they now had been 'bullied' and to do so would violate journalistic integrity. What I then realized was this: If the Alligator could not permit itself to write about the Tabernacle because they refuse to be bullied, but are then unable to write about the Tabernacle even if they wanted to because they have been bullied, don't we then win the war? Are we not then controlling the Alligator in such a way as to prevent them from writing about the Tabernacle? And didn't the Alligator accept our bribe? Watch this video at the 6-minute mark and see the Alligator accept free 'bribe-pizza' from the Tabernacle of Hedonism (CLICK HERE TO SEE.) In short, the Alligator has been bullied into submission and also accepted a bribe. We win. We said we would control the Alligator's nefarious UFO activities that may or may not be taking place, and now we have done so. We are a secret society and our ultimate aim was to not be written about to begin with. We win. However, the Alligator still has quoted me on various occasions anyway, breaking their 'not writing about anything to do with the church' stance. I was quoted in an article about Chuck Martin's Genius Boy Band on October 29th (CLICK HERE TO SEE,) and was also quoted in an article about Billiard Therapy on October 2nd, 2013 (CLICK HERE TO SEE.) So in short, the Alligator accepted our bribe and is unable to determine their own policy as to what is and is not bullying and how they will act as a result. Also, it is imperative to note that when we marched on the Independent Alligator to stop them from their alleged reverse-engineering of UFOs, not one reporter ever came out of the building to simply ask why we were there. I repeat, reporters did not report or inquire about a political and religious march happening feet away from their building. Video evidence of the reporters not coming out to inquire why we were marching is available here: (CLICK HERE TO SEE.) Therefore, not only does the Tabernacle of Hedonism declare victory in the war with the Independent Florida Alligator, we also assert our holy power and prohibit the Alligator to write about our church, which is exactly what they are doing because they now have no choice. Jamba be praised. And because we are a secret society and did not actually wish to be written about to begin with, we have achieved total control of the Independent Florida Alligator. We swore the Alligator would be controlled, and now they are controlled. We win."
THE ORIGINAL PRESS RELEASE WHICH WAS IGNORED BY THE ALLIGATOR
TABERNACLE DECLARATION OF WAR
THE TABERNACLE MARCH ON THE INDEPENDENT FLORIDA ALLIGATOR
BATTLE FOOTAGE AND DRONE SURVEILLANCE OF THE ALLIGATOR'S ALLEGED UFO ACTIVITY
THE ALLIGATOR ACCEPTS A PIZZA-BRIBE - (SEE THE 6 MINUTE MARK)
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