Dear Bill Dean,
As you are well aware, I am the co-founder of The Reverend Angeldust's Tabernacle of Hedonism with your Host, Tom Miller. We are a non-profit church organized under the Universal Life Church and our senior clergy are all ordained as ministers. Therefore, we are the only standing church in American History that is also a variety show.
We held a press conference on January 10, 2013. Here is the link to that press release: http://millerworks.weebly.com/1/post/2013/01/official-press-release-the-tabernacle-of-hedonism-begins.html
Here is the link to the video of the press conference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjaQqTNXjcA&feature=youtu.be
We noticed that along with the Independent Florida Alligator, the Gainesville Sun did NOT attend this event. Nevertheless, we have not held any animosity against the Sun because clearly, your newspaper organization is not reverse-engineering UFOs as we believe the Independent Florida Alligator to be doing. More on this to come.
The Independent Florida Alligator, located one block down from our church, DID NOT accept our invitation to the press conference. We even had free student food. In such close proximity to our church, and given that they have written many articles about my activities in Gainesville over the last 25 years or so, the fact that they did not attend immediately raised suspicion that they were harboring the 'alien motherhood'.
Here are some examples of previous press from the Independent Alligator about my activities in Gainesville before the alien incursion:
Tom Miller / Bill Perry: http://m.alligator.org/calendar/event_1cebf71a-a107-11e1-9cde-3cd92bf1cd98.html
Tom Miller Paints the Mayor: http://www.alligator.org/the_avenue/art/article_0c3d6522-b647-11df-8466-001cc4c002e0.html?login_success=true
Tom Miller Dirty Magic Marker Show: http://www.alligator.org/news/local/article_2bd52a7f-2dc6-555a-9f47-32a7430984d4.html
Tom Miller Laboratory Show: http://www.alligator.org/the_avenue/features/article_3b1727f9-a15b-500b-bb21-5ade93c2974c.html
Tom Miller Magic Marker Show Review: http://www.alligator.org/news/local/article_62c67d6a-f8d3-555f-bc8e-388a24571608.html
Tom Miller / Artist Plays The Role of Student: http://www.alligator.org/news/features/article_249369bc-460e-11e0-a059-001cc4c002e0.html
Etc. Etc. All the way back to March 19 of 1992 when the then editor of the Independent Florida Alligator was Patrick Hughes who has gone on to become a nationally recognized novelist: http://www.oocities.org/fredink/afternoon.htm
"My Afternoon with Tom Miller" / "A weaselly little guy with big teeth that you wouldn't want to let hold your wallet." ~P.H.
So it came as some surprise when after such a profound event as the start of the greatest American church to hit the planet since Ernest Angley Ministries was completely ignored by Gainesville's most important student newspaper. Our follow-up calls were ignored, our e-mails were ignored, and because we had seen no evidence to the contrary, we naturally made the assumption, as anyone would, that the Alligator was attempting to destroy the church by not writing about it and further, they were engaged with reverse-engineering UFOs--which poses a direct threat to our community.
We did the next logical thing. We marched on the Independent Florida Alligator! Here is the video of that event and please note that NOT ONE reporter or employee of the Alligator ever came out of the building to ask what we were doing there. Is that the actions of a quality newspaper? OR, is it the actions of a UFO factory?
As of last night, May 28th, I telephoned the Alligator from the show to speak with the new summer editor, "Matt Riva" (with whom I had previously introduced myself in a previous phone call from the show). The woman on the receiving end of the phone hung up on me. I called back (please keep in mind, this is their newsroom telephone number which they publish in their paper, presumably, so that people with news can call it), and she said, "We are trying to run a newspaper," and hung up again. That sounds to me like a phrase designed to throw us off the track of their possible and potentially illegal UFO activities.
Now I'm not saying that just because the Tabernacle of Hedonism is singularly responsible for the elimination of the Dove Outreach Church from Gainesville that we are particularly newsworthy. (Our visiting exorcist, Fodder O'Brien, burned in effigy a photo of pastor Jones for six weeks prior to their decision to vacate to Tampa). Poor Tampa.
But what I am saying is this:
I have video evidence of the Independent Florida Alligator ACCEPTING A BRIBE from the Tabernacle of Hedonism. At the 6:00 minute mark, you will see in this next clip an employee of the Alligator accepting free pizza from the Tabernacle of Hedonism. (Five-Star pizza, for the purposes of advertising revenue). That pizza cost us forty-five dollars. That means, the Independent Alligator accepted forty-five dollars in 'hush-money'. Bill, I am asking that you do not release this information to the public, just in case the Alligator decides to finally do an article on our show. But if they do not, I believe the Sun has an obligation to at the very least, 'suspect' that the Alligator may be in alliance with the alien motherhood and if that is the case...(we have seen no evidence that it is NOT the case), the story must then be told.
EVIDENCE OF THE INDEPENDENT FLORIDA ALLIGATOR ACCEPTING A BRIBE FROM THE TABERNACLE OF HEDONISM (6:00 MARK)
Bill, I leave it in your capable hands. I have cc'd every staff member of the Alligator (they publish their emails for people to make use of, so they had better not try to make some kind of a harassment case against me). My creditors call from GE Money Bank to the tune of 1,000 calls a month, and it's totally legal for them to do that, apparently. I have only contacted the Alligator 15 times in four months, and organized only one forty-man march. And STILL they accepted our pizza bribe...and NO INK, Bill. NO INK!
May the Goddess bless you with the spirit of Jamba, and may all sustenance cometh from the dumpster.
-- Deacon Tom Miller, (Member of the Secret Council of Society Deacons)
P.S. Until we hear about our feature in the Independent Florida Alligator, we are officially changing the name of our church to: THE INDEPENDENT FLORIDA ALLIGATOR. We are in the process of purchasing the trade-mark of that name for our religious institution. I am also considering a religious discrimination lawsuit if necessary.
Note: THIS MESSAGE IS FROM THE TABERNACLE OF HEDONISM AND IS NOT ON BEHALF OF NOR CONNECTED IN ANY WAY WITH 1982 BAR OR ITS AFFILIATES. WE SPEAK ONLY FOR THE CHURCH. PRAISE JAMBA!